nineteen weeks and counting. not that i am anxious to be grandmother - lol and if you believe that i have this bridge (hardly used) that i just happen to have for sale. for the umpteenth time i am grateful that the daughter and sil live on the same property as us. i can watch, from afar if i am wise as the daughter is VERY independent, to keep an eye on her health and overall sense of being. the sil is delightful. the daughter showed incredible wisdom and taste when she married him. i love him to bits and as far as i am concerned he is as much my son as the daugher is the daughter. now i may have said that before. but that wee fact is something that bears repeating - repeatedly.
christmas here was wonderful. quiet and friendly and loving. all i had hoped for. the husband is being so attentive at the moment that, if i were a suspicious sort, i may be worried. but as i have told him, 'there isn't much point in you leaving me because i will go with you'. that had him looking at me in a strange manner but over the years he has gotten used to me being a wee bit strange.
oh well it is late and i must away to my dreams.
my new years resolution is going to be the best wife, mother, mother in law, grandmother and friend that i can be. i can think of nothing i would prefer to do than that.
the daughter is now fifteen weeks pregnant. she is getting over the 'lets wait and see' stage and beginning to settle down into just looking forward. both the daughter and sil are so happy. it is wonderful to see.
two weeks ago the husband, the daughter and i went to melbourne to see the Phantom of the Opera and to go to Dracula's theatre. we had a wonderful time. the phantom was something that both the daughter and i have loved since she was about nine. and yes, we have listened to the soundtrack for all those years. somethings just dont get old.
on return from melbourne, the sil's car was stolen; driven to a field and burned out. not nice for them but they will move on from that. if all goes well they should have another car by next monday.
oh well enough for now.
winter is almost over. it has been cold this year and i have loved it. the daughter of course has hated virtually every minute of it but then she was born in western australia and loves the heat. the son-in-law (hereafter to be known as 'the sil') calls me a long-haired penguin. gee thanks hun -- i think LOL.
the daughter and sil were married on february the 17th of this year. the wedding was beautiful. so were my kids. and make no mistake the sil is every much my son as the daughter is my daughter. i don't remember too much of that day after about eight pm. not because i got drunk because it is virtually impossible to get drunk on straight orange juice. but because i was in so much pain i could barely walk at the end of the day. it took me a few days to get to walking as i usually do (which is slow at the best of times) but things corrected themselves and i moved on.
about two and a half months ago the husband decided to have himself a heart attack. he scared me six ways to sunday. as an aside, i have never, ever liked sundays. but we were lucky. the damage done to his heart will repair itself over time. however the rules of the game have changed now. now i watch him like a hawk. his snoring at night times, well he can go right on snoring. the louder the better as far as i am concerned. it means he is breathing and all is well with my world. i now watch him like a hawk all the while trying not to let him know this. he has the right to continue his life in the manner he decides without me having objections and irritations. so i try to moderate my reactions. i don't always succeed - but i try.
that is about it for now. i continue to cross stitch, play world of warcraft, write occasionally ( and never for anyone but myself), and enjoy life. there is much to enjoy.
right now, i am wondering how long it will be before i remember to write in this journal again. ahhh the joys of a really bad memory.
okay so today i am listening to k.d.lang's rendition of 'hallelujah' and being the normal, self centred, self opinionated and self serving person that i am; i tend to hear what pertains to me and my life in the lyrics. a lot of people might say this is a weird song, a kind of defeated song but i dont hear that. i hear hope and determination in the light of all reason and sense. and that appeals to me as i believe in that kind of attitude with everything i am and have.
here i have to side track a wee bit. i am not saying being self centred, self opinionated and self serving are necessarily bad. it is important to have a firm base from which to extend to others and to be there for them. like all tools, you use a spade to dig in a garden that is intended to yield vegetables and that is a good thing. however, take that same spade and use it to stove in the back of someone's head and that is a bad thing. the secret is in how you use the tools available to you.
okay back to the main item at hand.
i like the whole song but the bit i tend to identify with goes
Our love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah
Halleluljah halleluljay Halleluljah halleluljah
and in that i see my husband and myself. we were married in 1974 and those closest to us gave us six months at the most. but like the bumblebee who has no idea that scientists used to say that they couldn't fly, we flew. there were good times, great times, hard times, bad times and times where one or both of us felt as though our souls were being ripped from our bodies. when going forward was anathama. but we stumbled forward never-the-less. we were granted the privilege and joy of a daughter and were allowed to watch her grow up into a woman whom i admire although i am sure i dont tell her that. at least not enough. we have separated more than once and re-united. i tell you, there were times when 'days of our lives' had nothing on us. but we kept on. made mistakes and made good choices and kept on going. now i know that he is what makes me a better person. he is why i get up in the morning when all i want to do is crawl into a hole and pull the world over me. one of my all-time favourite actors is richard dean anderson. well, my husband looks nothing like that actor. whereas rda is tall my man is way shorter. as rda is well proportioned; my man resembles nothing more than a round leprechaun. he has red hair which is now greying in. only one of his eyes works properly. but his soul is beautiful to me. he still the very best human being i have ever met. i dont deserve him but i got him. and he sooooooo doesnt deserve me. i am not what he initially signed on for. but we click, we mesh and damn if anyone tried to hurt my man that spade i talked about earlier would stove in more than the back of their head. it would chop them up and bury them as well. my man has my love and my protection. he has my soul and what is left of my future in his hands - and let me tell you - i protect what i have. and we keep on stumbling along repeating in our hopes - hallelujah, halleluah, hallelujah, halleluah,
it's been a wee while since i wrote in this thing. not much has happened. life tends to plod on and that is good. at least for me it is.
it is hot here - hot and really uncomfortable for me. the rest of the family seem to enjoy the heat though. well the cat, friskey, has taken up residence in front of the fridge and we have to physically remove him when we want anything out of it. as he gets older i swear he is getting sillier. he has catsheimers i think.
did i mention not much has happened. we are planning on going to a barbecue tomorrow. actually i am quite surprised at myself. i am quite looking forward to it. usually i dont allow myself to look forward to anything. i just tend to wait and see what will happen. still, what is the old saying, a change is as good as a holiday. so maybe i am having a vacation.
well, this has turned out to be a complete nothing of an entry. but, on the bright side, at least i remembered to write in the journal. that has to count for something i guess.
okay, so the other day i was passing through the lounge and the television was on. it was a Dr. Phil thingie i think. anyway i watched for a few moments and it had some millionaire guy on who was 'sharing' how he weeded out the 'gold-diggers' from the 'real' possibles.
now, my family will tell you that i dont have a lot of problems in the sharing of my opinions area. so here i go. laying aside the fact that there is NO WAY in any universe i would ever attract the likes of the man i saw on the telly. my reaction to his 'little test' would well and truly put paid to any chance of a relationship with him.
i should explain what he does. apparently he gives the woman/girl a credit card and tells her to go buy a dress (presumably for some future function they are supposed to attend together) to make herself look pretty. well, well, well. if a man did that to me, i would take the card, ask him what size he was and his preferred colour. then i would most probably send the card back to him in a particularly forcefully aerial manner. the cheek of the man. i work on the assumption that if someone wants to be with me then they are prepared to accept me as i am. and i most certainly do not want to be traisping around shops trying to look pretty for him.
of course, honesty compells me here to admit that my favourite makeup is a balclava and there is no amount of makeup or fine clothing that could do the job the man/millionaire wanted done. i just don't do pretty.
in fact, i leave the pretty to my daughter because she can pull it off in spades. and, now that i think of it, i guess still being in a marriage (and having been in the same marriage) for 31 years kinds of puts paid to any extra curricular romances. also i hate parties. my idea of a neat date is to go to the local chippie and get fish and chips and a bottle of ginger beer. head on down to the beach and dine there.
anyway, the few moments i saw of that show left me feeling inordinately smug about the fact i am where i am. the idea of living in that glitzy world is kind of depressing to me. in my world i know where i stand. my friends are real and my family is my reason for getting up each day. my life in uncomplicated and, for the most part, peaceful.
there is a song - holy water by big and rich. i play that song over and over. it fascinates me. and the reason? well that is simple. it reminds of my daughter - as she was and as she is now.
when she was born she didn't cry. the whole time she was in the hospital she didnt cry. she'd smile and smirk and the nurses assured me that it was simply wind. oh yeah sureyabetcha. yeah hun - wind is what it was. see, i am a believer. at least i tried to be once. right through her first two years she cried less than a dozen times. what she did do was smile when she woke up. every day the same. her eyes would open and she got this look on her face. a kind of wonder and pleasure and she would smile. through the 'terrible two's' she had one temper tantrum. she was like my sunbeam. strangers both human and animal seemed to respond to her. in short she was nothing like me.
that look of wonder did fade during her first years at school. but still she was a happy, secure and very wise child. oh yeah she got into her share of scrapes. but that was normal. basically she was a dream to bring up.
i remember she loved Macgyver. i would watch it with her but for her sake. she thought that programme was wonderful. then one day the episode 'dead zone' came on and that was it. she was upset for weeks. she couldnt handle the dog and the woman (in that order) dying.
then, she went to high school, and learned what adults were really like. she was abused by a student and then the teacher involved and the administration. i begged, i fought, i pleaded for a fair deal for her. i kind of got the message that no help was going to be offered when a member of the education department tried to put the blame on her - the victim. so, i did the one thing that i had warned them i would do if there was no justice from them. i went to the newspapers and - oh my, all of a sudden things began to happen. but not before she was hit and beaten a couple of times more.
i watched the girl who had thought that love and justice was the norm; learn the reality. she was not important in the scheme of things. i watched as the light that was in her die. she became withdrawn and so quiet. so very, very guiet. i knew then that i hadn't done enough. so i took her and i ran. i ran from western australia and to tasmania. and if, or rather, when she reads this she will learn for the first time that it wasn't because of my health i bought my family to tasmania. it was for her first and foremost. although my health was suffering in western australia, it was not enough for me to uproot my family and run away. one of the first times in my life i had run from anything.
when we got here i went about teaching my daughter. things that a child should never have to learn but if she was to survive emotionally she needed to know. over the years she has changed again and for that i will be forever grateful and admiring of her strength. she re-invented herself. now she is strong, loyal, loving but she takes no shit from anyone. well, anyone except me that is. and i have turned out to be something of a rogue mum. i treat my daughter as an adult. i expect her to be the best she can be. not for me; i am not important. but for her mate, and for the children she is yet to bear.
anyway back to the song 'holy water'.. yes it reminds me of my daughter but it also shows me just how strong she has become. she pulled herself up from something rather horrible and for that she has my admiration and respect.
loneliness comes in many shapes. right now it is in the shape of the wee mutt next door. his family have gone on holidays and have been gone for two weeks now. he isnt being neglected; he has plenty to eat and enough water to swim in if he so chose. but he is lonely. he misses his children and his adults.
so i am going over there each day trying to fill a small part of the void for him. because he had been abused before he was adopted by the family next door he is very nervous of strangers. but, i am stubborn, and he needed a people so finally he came around and let me give him some small treats and some pats. he really is the cutest wee thing. a real heinz variety with some spaniel in him.
i hate to see any sentient creature in pain; either physically or emotionally. so i go over and pat him and tell him he is a brave and loyal lad and that his people will be home real soon. of course he doesnt understand a word but he tolerates me. when his people get home i wont go over any more and he will go back to being frightened of me because he will see me so rarely. but that is okay. i am not looking for a fan.
it's a beautiful day today. the sun is shining, the breeze is cooling. it is just lovely. the kind of day when you look out for whatever deity may be passing and just say "hi there, great day. thanks."
okay time to quit blethering.
in today's world there are terrorists, there is a belief in the corruption of politicians and policemen. the general television motto, if i read things right, is to not trust anyone, at anytime, for anything. that in and of itself is sad enough. it is dangerous to society. but tonight i saw something that had me shaking more than just my head. we all know television advertisements are just so much fairy dust strewn across the publics reality. however, when an advertisement shows a mother deliberately stealing from her own children by using sneaky and underhand methods and then the audience are told something to the tune that "you should spoil yourself"!??? awww man. that sucks on a level that is gargantuan. the advertisement is for Wendy's and it is for some drink or other. in a world where injustices happen on a second by second scale, this advertisement could, and probably will, be passed off as funny. i don't see it that way. in fact it greatly saddens me. there is nothing i can do about it. to complain would achieve absolutely nothing. however, i will make it a point to never go to Wendy's again. pity, i liked some of their products. but if the powers that be think this is appropriate then i will complain with my feet and the few small dollars that i used to send their way.
if the general idea that 'anything goes' is correct, then i am in the wrong here. however if, as i truly hope, dignity, honesty, faith, hope; if any of these things means anything at all then maybe it is time to begin to question a few things.
well, that is that from me today. and it is probably more than enough. so, if anyone reads this, i would ask that, if they see the advertisement, they would think about it and act in accordance with their conscience.